2011

Another new year…  time goes by so fast.  I’ve decided 2011 is going to be the year of positive change for myself.  I’m tired of always being the caboose.  I don’t mind taking care of my family, but I want to feel taken care of too.  I’ve let myself be walked on, and it’s made me unhappy, and I’ve let the unhappiness take over everything…

But I’ve discovered something that makes me happy.  Something that makes me want to fix myself.  I’ve wanted to fix things for a long time, but this thing that I’ve found make me want to fix myself faster.  So 2011, the year of positive changes.  I’m worth more than I’ve been giving myself credit for, and it’s time I realize it.  Some people are probably going to think I’m being selfish, but if I don’t start taking better care of myself I’m of no use to anyone anyway; those people can piss off.

🙂

blogging

Blogging obviously isn’t my strong point… I haven’t been here in awhile. :-/

Some Old Poetry

Bound to Die

It’s hard to lick an envelope,

when you know your tongue is dry.

It’s hard to stop the tears,

when you’ve started to cry.

It’s hard to see the same,

when you’re not looking eye to eye.

And it’s hard to stay alive,

when you know you’re bound to die.

So They Say

They say love is the best,

the best in the world.

So why did it screw me over?

Why couldn’t I be heard?

They say time heals all,

it’s been a little more than a year.

When I promised my eternal love,

how could you not even hear?

They say that ‘trust’ is number one,

honesty’ and ‘humor’ make three.

Yet, when I had enough trust

to be honest with you,

the one not laughing ended up me.

Loving

Hating…

Talking…

Laughing…

Understanding…

Holding…

Crying…

More talking…

Some understanding…

Again holding…

Still crying…

Good-byeing.

My Dream

I’ve had a dream of past relationships

None have I dreamt as the one I live now

A dream that lets me live securely

He opens up my eyes at night

But awaken I do not

I dream of us together forever

A dream like this I have forever sought

He puts me to sleep like the mockingbird hymns

He keeps me awake, but tire I do not

I sleep as soundly as a child

A dream I am blessed that I have got

One Chance / Hidden Treasures

I wake up in the morning,

See your picture by my bed

I think about how bad I hurt you,

Wonder what was going ‘round my head

If I had a chance for you to love me again

Even a chance for you to just be my friend

I’d treasure that one chance for always

And never let it go, never let it end.

Remembering all our good times,

Blocking out the bad.

It’s funny how people take advantage of things,

Forgetting everything that they have.

If I had a chance for you to love me again

Even a chance for you to just be my friend

I’d treasure that one chance for always

And never let it go, never let it end.

When you treasured me,

I took advantage of you

Like when people say “Hey it’s a nice day”

But they never notice the sky is still blue.

If I had a chance for you to love me again

Even a chance for you to just be my friend

I’d treasure that one chance for always

And never let it go, never let it end.


Apart, Yet Together

He draws me into his depths

To discover his endless love

Where our souls come together

Our hearts and minds become one

His touch is soft and gentle

A warmth I’ve never felt

A kiss remaining with me

Throughout all the lonely days apart

So let the minutes, the hours pass by

Lonely days flee on their way

The wheels of time tick on

Bringing us closer together

Yet, our love continues to grow

He is on my mind day and night

Silently, I wait to be together

In each others arms, forever.


The Middle

037

I feel like I am at a major crossroads.  Things have gotten so bad for us financially, that the only way it could possibly go is in the direction of Better.

When I think about Life a year ago and compare it to Life now, the change is unsurmountable.  One year ago, we were living the American Dream.  The Job, the Debt, the House, Car, the Kids.  The Starbucks, the Home Goods.  The anything we ever wanted, on a silver platter.  Life was so good, the only way it could go was Worse.

We were greedy.

Now our Life is at the bottom of Worse.  Wondering how long we can make a loaf of cheap White Bread last between the five of us is becoming a standard.  Looking around at our belongings, contemplating which would bring in more money if sold is daily.

None of it matters.

We have ourselves, and we are the only constant we can count on.  We could be in a cardboard box, and still be OK.

I’m waiting for that Magic Moment when I realize everything is actually getting Better instead of Worse.  I found a new Business that I think can help– Iam excited to watch it grow.

The Middle – Jimmy Eat World

Hey,
Don’t write yourself off yet.
It’s only in your head you feel left out,
Or looked down on.
Just try your best,
Try everything you can.
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves
When you’re away.[Chorus]
It just takes some time,
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright. (alright) [Chorus x2]

Hey, don’t write yourself off yet.
It’s only in your head you feel left out, (feel left out)
Or looked down on.
Just do your best, (just do your best)
Do everything you can. (do everything you can)
And don’t you worry what their bitter hearts (bitter hearts)
Are gonna say.

[Chorus x2]

Hey,
You know they’re all the same.
You know you’re doing better on your own, (on your own)
So don’t buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn’t matter if it’s good enough (good enough)
For someone else.

Happiness

True happiness comes when we routinely engage in positive activities that we love. Take a look at your life as a whole. Pursue the things that make you feel alive and fill you with joy and healthy balance.

What have you engaged in today that brought you joy?  If you can’t think of something, there is still time left in the day.

Do you have something positive planned for tomorrow?  What makes you feel alive?

Sometimes the day-to-day drone work can make life seem lackluster… but it doesn’t take much to brighten things up.  Fresh flowers from the garden in a place you will see and smell them.  Playing with your dog (or cat) for a bit.  Smiling and saying “hello” to a stranger.

It’s the small things in life that help us feel alive inside.

I make BIG plans… and I’m realizing now I should be more focused on the little, seemingly insignficant but completely vital, small pleasures.  From these seeds will grow perennial happiness.

0826081436

My Way

My favorite song is “My Way” by Frank Sinatra.  This song makes my heart swell with love, joy, longing, and camaraderie.  I shared a love of Frank Sinatra with the most influential man in my life, my grandfather.  When he heard this song (and we heard it often!) … you could see the words in his eyes.  He felt like Frank was crooning about his own life, and now as an adult I feel the same. 

When I was a little girl, I made a promise to my grandpa that I would sing this song at his funeral someday.  He always told me how much he loved my voice– he inspired 90% of my entire musical career.  I promised, and he reminded me of this promise nearly every time I saw him.

The day he died, I had to confront this promise.  I had bad funeral “performance” experience in the past… and I didn’t feel I could ever be on the funeral stage again.  I was so heartbroken that he was gone, there was no way I could get up in front of everyone else that was heartbroken with me, and sing.  It was too much, and I couldn’t handle it.  So I didn’t, and now it haunts me.  The one and only thing my grandpa ever REALLY wanted from me, and I couldn’t do it.  After all he’d done for me, I failed him.  I did it my way, and I feel really, really shitty about it.

 

My Way, Frank Sinatra

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I’ll say it clear,
I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain.

I’ve lived a life thats full.
I’ve traveled each and every highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, I’ve had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried.
I’ve had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say – not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows –
And did it my way.

My Father

I was just re-reading my version of the story of my life, when I realized there was no mention of my biological father.  Ironic?  Perhaps.

My mother and father have different memories of their relationship and how I came to be.  But the things that they remember similarly are the ones I think are the most important.

My father was my mother’s boss at Jack in the Box.  He was fun and charming, and part of my aunt and uncle’s circle.  My grandmother recalls meeting him for the first time, and him telling her, “Mrs. Abel, someday I will marry your daughter.”  She thought he was handsome, as well as slightly nuts.

New Years Eve, my mother, father, aunt, uncle, and friends drove to Las Vegas to party.  I’m not sure if it was a dare or mere inebriated antagonizing… but they ended up getting married that night!

Shortly thereafter, they realized the mistake they’d made in the “heat of the moment”.  The marriage was annulled, and I arrived on the scene not long after.

I don’t understand the reasoning behind my mother’s initial decision to exclude my father from my life.  Even more though, I don’t understand my father’s choice to not fight harder to be in my life.  Regardless, my early years were spent without his presence.  My mother tells me he came by when I was about 4 years old, to sign papers releasing his claim to me, so that my step-father could adopt me.

My first memory of him, is a brief phone call and then going out to dinner with my mother and father in celebration of my 11th birthday.  The next memory is his attendance at my 13th birthday party, and then a phone call for my 16th birthday.

When I became engaged, my father and his wife began to make a solid effort to participate in my life.  We went out to dinner several times, and got to know each other.  When Matt & I went through some tough times, he was there for me– I actually lived with him for several months.  That was amazing for me, as I had never experienced a close father/daughter relationship before– I truly appreciated getting to know him on a deeper level.

Since Matt and I had children, my father goes through spurts of being interested in us.  I think, and this is complete guessing on my part, he is afraid to “bother” us– the reality is that we crave having him in our lives, and miss him when he is “busy”.  But I can’t force him to foster a closer relationship, so I just enjoy the times when he is around.